I'm 3 days away from my due date and I'm in Ikea by myself. I happen to be just about the farthest away from the bathroom as you can be when suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, I have to take a shit. Like now. Like yesterday. Suddenly I have to take a shit so bad I break out into a cold sweat. I clench my asshole and turn to make for the bathroom but I get exactly two steps and suddenly shit my myself. Yes, I shit myself in the Ikea. WHAT THE FUCK. I had NO warning. You know how sometimes diarrhea can come on as a surprise? Yeah, this was that same thing except.. just plain ol regular shit. Again: WHAT.THE.FUCK. Nobody ever said anything about giant surprise shits that come exploding out of you with exactly 7 seconds notice!
Guess what I'm wearing? If you guessed a thin maxi dress and panties, you win the prize. Thin little maxi dress and panties that are basically FULL of shit. Panties that I'm PRAYING will hold said shit in until I get to the bathroom which of course is on the other side of the store and of COURSE I have to walk through the 8.5 mile maze that is Ikea to get there. Thank god for small favors in that I'm wearing granny panties due to my enormous girth.
I waddle to the bathroom and as far as I can tell no shit came out of my panties on the way there. I get into the bathroom it's a bit busy and there's only one stall open and it's in the middle of the row. Fine. I rush in there, sit down and lift up my legs one at a time to get the panties off without the people in the next stall seeing them under the divider. So I get my panties off, roll them up in a ball, cover them with a bunch of toilet paper and shove them in the used tampon holder.
Around this time I hear a little girl say, "Momma, it smells like poo poo in here." Great!
So now I have shit ALL over my ass and vagina area because it spread and got mooshed around as I waddled across the stores and here I am in this tiny stall with my big ass stomach and I'm trying to use the very thin toilet paper that ikea provides to wipe up the mess. And it's the stickiest god damn mess of all time. Forget front to back, it's too late for that! I can barely reach back there because my stomach is so god damn big and I'm trying to contort myself in this tiny stall but I really need to take care of this.
It gets worse! Sweet jesus it has spread so far and wide that I end up with SHIT all over my hands and forearms. Every time I reach back there to try and clean something, I end up with it on my forearm or hand. I'm not even kidding! So I start gagging because there's shit all over me and the smell and I've been so smell and stomach sensitive this whole pregnancy. I had a puke bag in my purse and I frantically grab it and end up losing lunch over and over.. so much so that my stomach is hurting. Every time i have to bring the bag to my face I get to see/smell my shit covered hands and forearms which makes me gag even harder.
So after about 5 minutes of gagging and puking, I get it back together. I try to finish wiping but by this time it's all dried, including the stuff on my arms and hands. So I devised a plan. I wrapped my arms and hands in toilet paper, then shove them into my purse - and thank god it was a deep purse. Then I waited for a good 40 minutes until there was a lull in the bathroom traffic. I put my hands/arms in the purse because I was terrified someone would walk in as I was headed for the wink. So I waddled as fast as I could to the sink, tore off the toilet paper and washed my hands and forearms as fast as I could. The second I had the poop off, someone walked in. Whew, made it in the nick of time.
Then I wet a bunch of paper towels, headed to the big stall and cleaned up a bit more properly. I then headed straight home and got in the shower. This happened yesterday and I'm still.. I'm still traumatized. I'm not leaving the house again until I go into labor!
WHAT THE FUCK!?? Is this a normal pregnancy thing to just SHIT YOURSELF with absolutely no warning!? I'm mortified beyond belief and I hope nothing like that ever happens again.
source: http://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/2vt1l8/due_in_two_days_i_shit_myself_in_the_ikea_worse/
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